If you’re looking for deep memoir about love, loss or personal growth, this isn’t it. I’m just a 20-something white girl with a few moans to get off my chest.
I originally wrote this article while I was sat on a 2 hour bus transfer from Split airport to our hotel in Croatia, surrounded by 40 other travellers sat in stony silence as we peered angrily at the heavy grey clouds and rain storms outside the window.
Waiting for our bags at the airport was one of the most painful experiences. None of us had expected to land in this beautiful ‘promised land’ to a 7 day weather forecast of rain and storms, and as we waited for our luggage the air was heavy – chokingly heavy – with bitter disappointment.
Once we returned from our holiday I decided not to publish this post, because as it turned out, we had a fantastic time at our resort and even had a few days of sun too – suck on that, forecast!
However, recent events have angered me again and now I feel like this rant still has a place.
As an INFJ and straight-up A-type personality, I’ll be the first to admit that I am particularly controlling. I plan, schedule and attempt to take control of everything in my life. I can control so many things; the way I look, my career/work, where I live, who I spend time with, what I do. I can control and change all of those things if I’m not happy, and I can also control my own safety (to an extent), by choosing what risks I take in life.
What I cannot control is the weather. And the result of a broken democracy.
The weather, I can just about cope with not being able to control; you get used to it in Cornwall, and you book holidays to ‘sunny places’ like Croatia to cheer yourself up. But when that goes wrong, it screws with my tiny A-type mind.
This Referendum debacle, however, is more difficult to cope with. Yes, a Democracy is probably still better than a Dictatorship, and yes, I am lucky to have had a say with my vote, but damnit, it still feels horribly out of control.
Below are ‘The 6 Stages of Realisation That You Can’t Control All The Things’ that have been happening in my brain recently – first when I thought I was doomed to have a holiday full of rain, and now with my sh*tty country deciding to leave the EU:
Stage One: Denial
When I saw a sneak peek of the weather forecast a week before our holiday I dismissed it as nonsense. Because when is it ever right in Cornwall anyway…
And waking up to the Referendum results felt like I was dreaming – I know I’m not the only one. Who else sat there and thought this must be a joke?
Stage Two: Panic/Escape
Once realisation set in at the airport, I began to panic – not in a screaming/flailing arms in the air way – in a way that meant I was planning ways to escape; a spontaneous ticket to another country, or a bail and go home scenario.
And of course with the Referendum most peoples’ first thoughts of panic were ‘How the Heck do I get off this island? Let’s google how to emigrate to Australia…’.
Stage Three: Rationale
I’m generally an optimistic person, and sooner or later my rational brain kicks in, reminding me that ‘it could always be worse’. On our holiday, we could have had a young screaming child with us, or our holiday could have been ruined by an injury and not just rain. Or we could have been a mile underwater as the result of a plane crash (my brain escalates to morbidity a little too fast…).
And y’know we could all be stuck in a third world country under the control of a warlord or something – so there’s that.
Stage Four: Anger
After a few minutes of the ‘it could be worse’ malarkey, the little pessimist inside me gets up and is all like ‘Uhh but that’s NOT the situation, and right now I have to deal with the present moment’s pile of crap.’
Cheers little dude.
And so I start to stew in anger, blaming myself for booking a holiday in June and not July or August. Blaming the Croatia tourist board for lying to me. Hating the posters around the airport, mocking me with images of stunning beaches flooded in golden sun.
Feeling hatred towards all the people who voted leave and didn’t have the foresight to see what huge issues it would cause. Silently yelling at the government for allowing this Referendum to take place without proper information for the people. And all that good stuff.
Stage Five: Existential Crisis
It wouldn’t be an Introvert thought process without a good old existential crisis, would it? Hence me writing this post right now; I’ve hit the wall of ‘oh my god I can’t control the world no matter how hard I try’, and the classic ‘what’s the point in life if I can’t have a say in what happens to me’.
Just a whole mess of totally over-dramatised emotions really, but I’m being real here. Don’t pretend you’re above my first world problems.
Stage Six: Acceptance
I assume this will come, as it seems to be the final step in most ‘X Stages of’ list. I just hope it happens within the next few days because there’s nothing worse than being left in a permanent state of existential crisis.
So now you can probably see why I didn’t publish this the first time around. A moan about the weather doesn’t quite seem as pressing right now, and I feel a comment about the UK’s nonsense decision today is justified, so there you have it.
So proud of you for writing this. Today has been hard and confusing for 50% of this country, but we’ll figure out how to make it work. It’s just going to be a bit of a bumpy ride. Also, shit weather is shit. Xxxx
You’re gonna hate me but it’s actually a beautifully sunny evening here – just been for a stunning walk on the cliffs – why are you not here?? X
Oh I thought you meant it’s shit in Fal right now… Lol oh well STILL why are you not here! X
What a beautifully honest post summing up what I think nearly half of the population are feeling today! I think I am going through each of these stages myself at the moment, I’m just hoping to reach acceptance soon! xx
http://www.sweetserendipityblog.co.uk
Hope you reach acceptance soon Shannon! Thanks for the kind comment :) x
Enjoyed this. Crazy day isn’t it….trying to blank it out now. I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. I’ve always heard that Croatia was wonderfully hot and sunny destination too, guess we can’t have it all!! H x
Hattie Loves Sunshine
Yeah I’m just carrying on with everyday life and trying not to think about the future too much – praying that Nicola Sturgeon can sort us all out of course! x
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so honestly and openly. It’s so refreshing to read, and I understand completely!! Xx
Hang on tight through the inner and outer turmoil!
Keep Calm and Start Writing
23millymay25.blogspot.co.uk
Thanks for the kind comment Amelia! :) xx
I am a long way from acceptance yet!
We’ll get there I’m sure!
This was a shock to the system. I’m not even European and I couldn’t believe it.
You may end up moving to Australia but if Trump gets any close to the white house, I’m going to have to become Canadian.
I feel ya.
I’d be with you on that one – honestly up until Friday I honestly thought that someone (I dunno, the UN or something!) would step in if Trump got voted in, as a matter of Inter-National Security! But now I’ve lost faith in intervention for stupid decisions :( x
I think most of us are feeling exactly the same as you, Anna! I keep swinging between disbelief, anger and optimism that we can somehow be kind enough to each other to prevent this from being an all-out catastrophe. I keep watching BBC news, reading the papers and checking Twitter for updates, so I’m still very much caught up in the spin of it – and nowhere near ready for ‘acceptance’. Whatever that would entail! ( I suspect I’ll feel happier not accepting it!) x
Me too – this is the most I’ve read the news in years! Not accepting it yet either but trying to get on with daily life without worrying too much! x